Let's Talk About Sex

I want your sex questions, you want my sex answers, here we are! #1

Woman in the Sun by Guido Mauas

I am not an educated sex expert. I am, though, what I’ve noticed might be a unicorn- a heterosexual woman who has had mostly an entirely fantastic, healthy and joyful sex life since my teen years into my 40’s. Along the way, I’ve of course made mistakes or had regrets, but overall my experience has been one of pleasure and joy. I have navigated childhood trauma while engaging in sex with men, navigated the stress of poverty, motherhood, anxiety, depression, taking antidepressants, chronic physical pain and disease, single motherhood, dating, marriage, pregnancy, breastfeeding- and still was able to have a sex life that was a sanctuary from the stress of life. I have raised four kids with a very sex-positive, sex-literate and open dialogue, and I thought I might be able to pass that on to anyone of any sexual orientation who wanted to ask about their own sexual life.

Hi Advice Giver, 

I'm a woman in my mid-40s, married for 17 years. Our sex life, for the most part, is reflective of a mixed-match libido- mine being higher than his.

We have had multiple couples therapy sessions with different professionals. The newest one we are seeing has brought it to attention that I display signs of borderline personality disorder and my emotions need a higher bandwidth so to speak. When I am rejected after initiating sex, it hurts deeply and affects my mood. It's a cyclical event series- which causes him to retract from me more and I feel more pushed aside.

I consistently struggle with advocating for myself & my need for connection and respecting his boundaries. I end up feeling like anytime we have sex, it's to please me and not organically because he's compelled. I'm good with not taking this personally, but after a while it becomes problematic for me.  I deserve a good sex life, he doesn't care for sex either way and is ultra-conservative when it comes to sexual encounters, talking about sex or anything addressing sex. He does not have a sexual identity issue, as it's been explored. Any advice?

Hello Advice-Seeker,

It’s a good sign that you included personal information about yourself- your therapist saying you have signs of borderline personality disorder- because it means you are honest about your relationship and willing to see what part, if any, you have in your unsatisfying sex life. It’s also a great sign that the two of you have been to therapy to address this because it means you both deeply care and are willing to put in the work to find a solution!

Feeling pushed aside is, repeatedly, over a long period of time, is damaging in any aspect of a relationship. Feeling rejected repeatedly is painful and over time, destructive to a relationship. Even if you cannot find a perfect balance where both of your sex drives are fully met, it’s this essential emotion that needs healing attention from your husband. So while you work on balancing your actual sex life, I encourage you to also find and offer ways to your husband that he can make you feel desired and adored that do not involve sex. Everyone needs to feel embraced in their romantic relationships, wanted, and loved, and when sex flounders, it’s important those feelings are communicated in other ways.

Knowing you are in your 40’s and married for 17 years, I wonder what your sex life was like in the first five or ten years of marriage? If there were good, or even great, parts to your intimacy together then, I’d draw on that knowledge. What made the good times good? Was there anything different about your behavior or his that could be recreated or worked toward? Perhaps you could both keep a journal and jot down your favorite memories of sex and intimacy together, including details that particularly moved you or turned you on, and after a few weeks, read each other’s memories. This is a non-aggressive way of communicating for someone like your husband who is conservative in speaking about sexuality.

Practical matters factor in: has his testosterone been looked at? Men in their late 40’s can have dramatic lowering of testosterone and this can directly impact their sex life, the same way women going through menopause can be impacted. There are ways to naturally build testosterone, if testing showed decline and he was willing to explore that option.

Take the pressure off sex for a while. Maybe you can agree that for a certain time period, you won’t have sex at all, but instead will focus on finding play and joy in your bodies together and apart. Take turns giving each other long, naked, oiled massages, take baths or showers together, give foot rubs, head rubs, set a relaxing mood- and leave your phones in the living room. Massage is a particularly good way to convey physical love without sexual acts, especially when done with focus (ie not in front of the TV blaring). You didn’t say if you have young children, and I know from experience that it is hard to find time and space for these things, and also, trying is worth it. If you keep trying, sometimes it will work, and sometimes it will work really well, and those times make the hassle worth it.

If your husband is willing, you could experiment with some physical activities that aren’t about sex. Finding joy in each other’s bodies is a good first building block toward increased sexual desire, and taking the pressure off of both of you (him to have sex, and you to feel the sex was meeting your needs) could be a really good space to reconnect physically in other ways, building trust, shared pleasure, and joy together. Physical activities that have nothing to do with sex can increase physical intimacy, such as taking a dance class together, swimming (skinny dipping is amazing) together, sauna, hiking, running, hot yoga- the important thing is that you do it together.

One practice that can increase sexual energy and connection is tantric sex. This practice is focused on sexual energy and not sexual acts. And remember, laughing at how awkward you feel is a legit and joyful way to try things. Sex and sexual connection is an energy, and it can bounce between the completely ridiculous and the sublime.

It could be that while you are experimenting with other, non-penetrative sexual and non-sexual physically pleasurable acts, you find that you are able to meet more at a fair middle with each other that honors both your needs.

To ask a question about sex anonymously, email me at beezus74@hotmail.com